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Results: Jewish Jokes and Jewish Humor |
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A Priest and a Rabbi were, by coincidence, sitting
next to each other on a long flight.
About an hour passes and not a single word was
exchanged by the two men. Finally, the Priest turns
to the Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, do you mind if I ask
you a personal question"? The Rabbi said, "Of
course, you may."
"I understand that many of you Jewish people,
especially Rabbis, keep kosher and, as such, don't
eat things like bacon or ham". The Rabbi
acknowledged that. "Haven't you ever even tasted
bacon or ham?", asked the Priest.
The Rabbi explained, "Many years ago, I was a
visiting Rabbi in a small town in the middle of
nowhere and found myself in a diner one Sunday
morning. There was no one around so I ordered bacon
and eggs. It was quite good but that was the only
time that ever happened."
After some time, the Rabbi turned to the Priest and
said, "Father, do you mind if you ask you a very
personal question"? The Priest said OK.
"You Priests take an oath of celibacy, right"?,
asked the Rabbi. "Why, yes", answered the Priest,
wondering where this was going.
"Well, haven't you ever had sex since you've become
as Priest"?, asked the Rabbi. The Priest looked
about nervous, leaned toward the rabbi and answered
very softly, "As a young parishioner I was
approached by a troubled woman who was looking for
my guidance. She was a beautiful, young woman and
one thing led to another. So, yes, just once I had
sex with a woman".
A few moments pass and the Rabbi leans over to the
Priest and says, "A lot better than pork, isn't it?"
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Sam was
ready to tee off this gorgeous Sunday morning and
looked up to the sky and said, "Please G-d, tell me
there's a golf course in Heaven.
The skies opened up and a deep vice proclaimed,
"Sam, I have some good news and some bad news".
"So, what's the good news?", asked Sammy.
"Sam, we have the most magnificent golf course in
Heaven. Plush, green fairways. Greens as smooth as
silk. Never a wait on the first tee. Never a rainy
day."
Sammy replies, "That's fantastic! What could
possibly be so bad?"
"You tee off tomorrow morning at 9:00 AM"
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A Rabbi
visiting Rome had the good fortune to have an
audience with the Pope. While talking about things,
the Rabbi noticed a red phone on the Pope's desk.
The Rabbi asks what the phone was for. The Pope
informs him that it's a direct line to G-d.
The Rabbi askes if he can use it and the pope says
of course but that he should leave $100 for the
call. The Rabbi thank him and uses the phone.
A few months later, the Pope was visiting the US and
makes sure to make a stop to visit his new Rabbi
friend. While talking, the Pope notices a red phone
on the Rabbi's desk.
The Pope asks if the phone is what he thinks it is
and the Rabbi says of course. The Pope askes if he
can use the phone and the Rabbi said that he may bt
that he needed to leave $0.50 for the call.
The Pope was surpised and asked, "You use my phone
and I ask you to leave $100 and, yet, when I use
your phone I am to leave only $0.50. Why is that?"
The Rabbi smiled and replied, "Because here it is a
local call."
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A Jewish man walking along a
California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice,
the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be
faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one
wish."
The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can
drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.
Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of
undertaking: the supports required to reach the
bottom of the ocean, and the concrete and steel it
would take. It will nearly exhaust several natural
resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to
justify your desire for worldly things. Take a
little more time and think of something that would
honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally,
he said, "Lord, I vish I could understand mine vife.
I vant know how she feels inside, vat she tinking
when she gives me da silent treatment, vy she cries,
vat she means ven she says 'nothing's wrong,' and
how I can make a voman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "Do you want two lanes or four on
that bridge?" |
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